moonrise
holding their hands on their knees
evening at a house
listening to hungry bed-bugs
calling from the old duvet
moaning walls
death of the last embers
hunger pangs
painting virgin snow
footprints cross the yard
lonely mother
searching in the straw
for what can't be found
unwilling - she's a carpenter
with yet another coffin made
frozen soil
spring will soon be met
in threnodies
sickness of a dying moon
she hails its sickle face
Linked to Carpe Diem
This is amazing. But you have a few errors:
ReplyDelete"for what's can't be found" should say "for what can't be found"
"unwilling made a carpenter" should say "unwillingly ..."
"she curse its sickle face" should say "she curses ..."
I love the sickle at the end. I presume this was intentional, drawing out the curved shape. But there's a possibility you meant "sickly." I thought I'd check.
Also, did you mean to capitalize the "I" in "Diem" in your post title?
In the fourth stanza, you use both "across" and "cross." You might consider changing "cross" to "span."
I'm only offering suggestions and edits because this is such a good poem. I don't want anything to detract from its impact.
Thank you for introducing me to the word "threnodies." I love it.
Ah.. you should be careful before writing a Friday evening... as you might know, English is my second language, and my linguistic skills deteriorate at night and after some wine.
DeleteHa.. did a few updates.. some would not give quite the right prosody so I changed it a little differently...
DeleteGorgeous.
DeleteThis is still so good. Love.
DeleteThis is.....so ...gut-wrenching. Hard to comment Bjorn, so dark is the picture painted, but it is certainly well-crafted, and goes far beyond the pleasant little ditties one sees here and there, though not on this blog!
ReplyDeleteOuch --- gritty, powerful, intense. You never fail to surprise -- and challenge -- the reader. This is a dark image that will linger in my mind for quite a while. Wow.
ReplyDeletemy first encounter with threnodies; i had to look up the meaning
ReplyDeletecertainly not a happy renga; you tell it like it is; you write in many moods this is a sad, but not surprising piece from you
much love...
Filled with sadness and reality.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting.
This hits you right hard with the truth ... very powerful write.
ReplyDeleteSo sad and mournful. You paint a strong picture here.
ReplyDeleteSo sad and mournful. You paint a strong picture here.
ReplyDeleteWhat a bleak picture you create with a deft hand.
ReplyDeleteThoughtful indeed
ReplyDelete